How to Start a Riot

Here's another one of those situations they don't teach you about in Planning school: I have been invited to give a lecture at the local middle school about planning and zoning.

I wasn't aware that people outside of civic government even knew about planners. I always thought the general public assumed that development just happened. I know I did. Planners were always a secret, reclusive bunch, hidden away from the public, never spoken of. Not in the cool Area-51 we're-vampires-masquerading-as-teenagers way. More in the manner of the uncle who thinks he's Dorothy Parker being locked in the attic. But apparently the public has found out about us, and now they're teaching kids how to resent the Man early in life.

Here's how I expect it to go:

Me: "...so you see, kids, once you've verified that any nonconforming lots have not been made more nonconforming, you pass the boundary line adjustment to engineering for their review."

Kids: "Why do you hate chickens?"

My plan is to present municipal administration in the absolute most boring terms, in hopes of putting the children to sleep before they can set anything on fire. I can't imagine why this teacher is hosting my presentation. It must be part of the "Bureaucrats You'll Grow to Hate" section. He's probably bringing in the IRS auditor next week.

I'm just having problems imagining that this can go well at all. Being a planner myself, I know that when I'm at a conference, listening to a presentation on planning, I'm secretly praying for some interruptive force--pirates, volcanic eruption, dinosaur attack--to save me. Once the conference invitations arrive, planners start calling around asking if there are any openings for jury duty. So you see my dilemma. Except for those times in my work life when I have to assure people that Wal-Mart is not paving their burial plots or have someone yell at me for not letting them break the law, my job is fairly dull.

Me: "...so you see how a career in planning can be exciting and fun. But only when you're taking people's beloved pets away from them."

Kids: "Corporate lackey! Down with Wal-Mart!"

Can't wait to be a beacon of inspiration.